I have just been "unfriended" by someone I have known and got on well with for 35 years. Warwick Holmes, for the contempt you showed for 35 years of frendship, shame on you.
Coward, for heaping it on Kay instead of saying it to my face, shame on you.
For applying to reason and hearing no defence to a written page of collected specific accusations, shame on you.

I rather fancy that, living with Toni all those years ago, I was subjected to the same pressure as Warwick. I neglected my relationships, but I think I can safely say I never abandoned anyone, let alone rejected anyone.

Kay wrote:

I know you may not read this, and you're not going to reply, but I need to write it down for myself. I promise not to contact you again after this. It's written in a nice voice, please keep that in mind as you read it.

I was very sad and very mad in about equal measure by Monday evening, so much so that I couldn't stop thinking about our conversation and it kept me awake until about 4.30 the next morning.

I was sad because I feel like I've lost a good friend through no fault of my own, and that seems so unfair. I've lost too many people in the last couple of years - my father, my brother, my godmother - and now you're removing yourself from my life as well.

I'm sad because you said that you had lost respect for me, and worried about me, because I don't stand up for myself anymore. That's not true. I stand up for myself when it's important to do so. Did it bother me that Jonathan was still keeping in touch with the other woman as a friend? Yes. Did I think it was insensitive to make us socialise with each other? Yes. Was it worth causing a marital rift over? No. The basis of marriage is trust. I trust that he loves me, and is faithful to me. Expecting him to give up an old friendship, to prove to me that he loves me, would be unreasonable. One of the foundations of our relationship is reason.

It's not healthy for any relationship, whether it's marriage or friendship, to keep a list of grievances in your head about the other person. It's better to stand up for yourself at the time - and I'm not talking about the sort of standing up for yourself that you saw at that restaurant in Hamilton, because no relationship could survive frequent outbursts of that sort of incandescent rage. I'm talking about quietly stating what you didn't like the other person doing or saying, and giving them a chance to apologise or explain, then letting it go. Letting it go is the key part. That's how you stay sane. It's how I've managed to stay married to Jonathan for 25 years. 19 times out of 20, I can now let it go without even having to say anything, because whatever it was is not that important or I've learned to reframe it in my head. 1 in 20 times, I say something and we talk about it without getting cross. Every now and then, he catches me on the raw, and then I get angry, and we might have an argument. But I don't stew about it in silence, because that's not healthy.

It requires great strength of mind. I'm not weak, or ground down, because I'm able to do that. I'm strong, for not letting him drive me crazy.

It would have been better if you had done the same thing, every time Jonathan said or did something that upset or offended you, so that he had a chance to respond, rather than bottling it all up until it poisoned the friendship.

You say that you remember everything that Jonathan has ever said word for word, but no-one's memory is perfect. For instance, the conversation we had about glass at your place. You asked me what would Jonathan do about having the wrong glass delivered by tradies, if he was about to go overseas as you were? Would he let it go, and agree to keep the wrong glass? I said he would be apoplectic with rage. You remembered that differently. If you don't remember clearly a conversation we had a couple of months ago, how can you be sure you accurately remember conversations from a couple of years or decades ago?

Some of the things you're upset about are just bizarre, to be honest. If Jonathan sends a short abrupt message saying "you must read this book", it's because he's enthusiastic about it and he's dashing off a quick email to someone that he thinks will enjoy the book. You're the one who's choosing to read it in a faux Nazi voice. If he asks to see your calendar, it's not because he's trying to catch you in a lie, it's because whenever he sends you an invitation you're already busy, and so it would be easier for him to find a mutually free date if he could view your schedule. Sending you an invitation every couple of weeks, or whenever we're in town, isn't harassment, it's trying to stay in touch with a friend who we realise has a busy schedule or might be away. You're choosing to put the worst interpretation on everything he does.

It's a pity that Penny disliked Jonathan from their very first meeting at Cammeray, because she felt he ignored her and paid all of his attention to you. As we discussed, you've had 100's of girl friends, and at that point, Penny was the latest. You weren't living together or engaged. Jonathan doesn't spend time getting to know people he may never meet again. He's not good a small-talk. You said yourself, you'd been with Penny for years before you realised how well she played the cello, and played tennis. What does that tell you about Penny? She's self-effacing. She's modest. That's fine, but it can be hard to get to know someone with those qualities, especially if you have problems reading social cues, as Jonathan does. He didn't pass the test first time, and there's no second chances. That's harsh.

I'm mad that you burdened me with the job of telling all this to Jonathan, and having to explain to him your reasons for not wanting to be his friend anymore. It would have been better for your peace of mind to have sat down with him instead, got everything off your chest, and at least have given him the chance to apologise and try to make amends. As he said to me when we were discussing it, he knows what a fantastic job you did with the rocket group, and he told you so. He also says he told you several times what a great job you were doing at Sydney Uni. You're not remembering the good things, only the bad ones.

I'm offended that you referred to our studio apartment, which we've done a great job on, as a 5x5 hellhole, without ever having seen it.

I'm deeply hurt to find out that you lied to me about knowing that Jonathan had slept with someone else. You denied something was possible, that you already knew to be true, 'for my own good'. You pretended to be so shocked and surprised at the time, and you were very convincing at it. I definitely would have preferred if you had not confessed that on Monday. It certainly casts a strange light on my past view of our friendship.

I will leave you with one of my favourite photos of you and Jonathan, one that I took at Cronulla only a few of years ago. Proof that he did make you laugh sometimes, and he's not always a miserable sod. :-)

------//------
And a couple of weeks later, for the record:

Actually, I'd prefer if you didn't [reply]. I have just started to regain my equilibrium after the bombshell, and I think hearing from you again would just take me back to square one, so don't bother writing a long email, or a short one for that matter. To be honest I'm dreading seeing it come in.

The only thing I would like to add is that alarm bells went off later when thinking over what you said about Penny and Ivana in that conversation. My recollection is you saying that Penny thinks you spend too much time with Ivana, but perhaps it was Penny thinks you spend too much money on Ivana. There was a lot to take in, sorry. You did say, whichever it was, that that's not going to change, and I was glad to hear that.

But if it was the former (time), I am worried that Penny is trying to manipulate you into shedding former ties. You will say, I would know if I was being manipulated, but a really good manipulator makes you think it's all your own idea. You did say Penny's really good at getting money out of people who don't want to give money, and amazing at telling you what you're thinking. So far, you have dumped 2 long-term friends whose opinion you used to value. Watch out for negative feedback or stories about other old friends, like Eric and the lawyer whose son dated Ivana. And especially resist any negativity about Ivana. I would hate to see that relationship suffer.

Hopefully it was the latter (money), in which case I apologise for my poor memory, my suspicious mind and for maligning Penny in any way.

Again, I don't need or want a reply to this. I don't need to know which one it was. I just wanted you to be aware of my concerns and alert to the possibility. If at some point in the future it all turns to custard and you find you need your old friends, we'll still be here.

If it doesn't, and I sincerely hope it doesn't, then that's great! Have a happy life.