I was asked why I am attracted to the idea of ENM/monogamish life; I felt the answer instinctively, but I did not have succinct words to express the reasons. Then I saw Four Little Adults. This charming Norse film helped me think it through. It revolves around a male priest married to a female politician in a minor party that champions families in the parliament. In the course of the action he is discovered to have a mistress, the wife suggests an open relationship, and later connects with a lovely bisexual lad. In the timeline of the film, the mistress gets pregnant and has a baby, the wife becomes a minister in the party, and so forth.

As I have stated before, I believe "monogamy happens naturally". By this I mean that the situation of desiring only one partner arises when one has a relationship of sufficient value and strength, and nothing intrudes. Dan Savage allows for the fact that one might periodically 'fall off the wagon' without voiding the strength of that one dominant relationship by coining and using the term 'monogamish'. I appreciate and admire that view. This is the first step in the explanation.

My experience over fifty-plus years of relationships has been that my relationships fade. Helen Fisher neatly explains how we evolved to have separate love and attachment mechanisms, and that they last a few years to ensure offspring are able to join the extended family of a village. After a time that incentive disappears, so I am not surprised by the tendency for my relationships to fade. After all, I do get bored easily with places, hobbies, etc. Why should it be different for people? When you expect stuff to wear out, you get used to change. This is a component of the explanation.

Further, the rules are very different at my age. There is no thought of offspring. There is more time to reflect. We sexagenarians tend to be more relaxed and open to ideas... although there are a few who have hardened, too. I am strongly in the former camp; as academic and engineer I suppose I will never stop learning and evolving my thinking.

An event long in my past told me that I do not feel jealousy. I think I might have been surprised at the time to discover that my partner had cheated, but once it was established that she had no intention of leaving me (what a funny word that is, to mean cancelling a relationship) all my anxiety evaporated. I simply do not feel that possessiveness... it seems controlling and disrespectful to me. If I felt I possessed anyone they would be more like a slave than an equal. One must have jealousy and possessiveness under control for non-monogamy to work.

I am reminded of the 1960s song "Possession" by Iron Butterfly. "When a man has a woman, and he doesn't really love her, why does he burn inside when she starts to love another? It's possession." I took on board the negative implications of a possessive view.

I was totally happy with my wife for decades. That still surprises me, so I am obviously not averse to monogamy. It is my aim and philosophy to leave everyone I meet better off than when I met them. Provided I am honest and ethical, my lack of monogamous intention brings no surprise or evil with it.

I have learnt that being in a serious relationship with more than one person at a time takes organisation and effort. For a brief period I was getting only a single day off (Saturday, ironically), and I was dead lucky that they all chose days that did not overlap. I am supposed to be retired here! Thus an answer to the question might be `I will practise ENM until someone leaves me monogamish.'

There is a marvellous scene late in the film. It is Christmas, and the wife has to introduce her now very extended family to another politician. It goes something like "This is my husband, and this is his other partner... you know my daughter... and this is their baby... and this is my other partner and his boyfriend...". They handle this coming out with classic Norse cool, something I simply cannot imagine Americans taking in their stride.