Rules for playing Zoom

There are other variants of Zoom such as Zoom, Schwarz, Profigliano and the frightening "Sprodzoom". The one I describe badly here is a subset of "Zoom, Schwarz, Profigliano" with a more formal introduction to replace the variable length, poker-like initialization.

Introduction

Zoom is a [drinking] game of mind and body co-ordination, played with an imaginary ball, in an atmosphere of rigid etiquette. The ball is served and moved from player to player by keywords and sentences. The game is played by innings, each innings having twenty-one rounds. A round ends when a player makes a ``fault''. When a fault ends a round, the player(s) who faulted take a penalty. In the traditional game of Zoom, the penalty is typically a sip of alcohol, providing incentive and positive feedback.

Service

The umpire gives the ball to the server by speaking four lines of the form:
``This is the {i}th innings,
[This is] the {j}th round,
The batter is up,
and the ball is in {name}'s court''.
Each line must be present in this set-up sequence, the innings and round numbers must be correct, and the named player must have time in, for the set-up to be valid. The order of the lines is not specified.

The server must serve the ball to another player by looking directly at (the eyes of) that player and saying the one word ``zoom''. If the set-up is not correct, a fault is committed. However, if the server proceeds with an incomplete or faulty set-up, it is he who is deemed to be responsible for the fault rather than the umpire. If a player accepts the ball in response to service after a faulty set-up, responsibility passes to the receiver, and so on until the fault is identified.

The umpire may designate himself as server if he/she so desires.

Returning the Ball

When a player receives the ball, it may be dealt with in three ways:
1) It may be reflected to a player other than the player from whom it was received by looking at (the eyes of) the player and saying ``zoom'';
2) It may be reflected to the sender by looking back at (the eyes of) the sender and saying the single word ``schwartz''.
3) It may be reflected to the sender by looking back at (the eyes of) any person EXCEPT the sender, and saying a valid profigliano. A valid profigliano consists of the single word ``profigliano'', OR any grammatically correct sentence of three words or more.

The umpire is included in play.

Faults

A fault is any act or omission which terminates the current round. The person committing the fault is deemed to have lost the round. There are a number of circumstances which constitute a fault:

  • Chinese Eye Feint: When directing the ball, a player must look another player in the eyes. Should the gaze wander or be off the mark, this is a fault.
  • Mongolian Mouth Mumble: If the redirection words are mumbled or garbled or the speaker changes the type of speech mid-return, this is a fault.
  • Hesitation: If a player delays momentarily, as if composing a reply or deciding what to do, this shall constitute a fault.
  • Speaking out of turn: Only the player with the ball and the umpire may speak, under normal playing circumstances. Other players may speak, for reasonable reasons. Examples of reasonable reasons are to identify a fault or to request a time out. When such speech becomes necessary, the speaker must raise their elbow above their shoulder. Speaking frivolously, in the judgement of the umpire, or without raising the elbow, constitutes a fault.

    Should an umpire be manoeuvred into speaking, as though to play the ball, in a context which would constitute a fault for another player, the umpire shall be deemed to have committed a fault.

  • Pointing: Pointing at anyone is impolite, and is a fault.
  • Rudeness: Any form of bad manners or faux-pas, for example burping, slurping while drinking, not covering the mouth when yawning or coughing, swearing, etc., constitutes a fault. (This is generally referred to as ``grossosity''.)
  • Misdirection: Looking at the wrong person (such as ``zooming the zoomer'') constitutes a fault. A player for whom local time is out may not participate legally in play. It is a fault to direct the ball to such a person.
  • False service: Serving the ball with incorrect or missing establishment statements, etc., is a fault. (See section on Service.)

    Time Out

    At the commencement of the first innings the elected umpire shall state that ``Time is in'', or ``Time is in for everyone''. At this point the rules become active, and actions may constitute a fault. When time is not in, you can do whatever you like, and you are not bound the rules of the game. After the last round of an innings, the umpire conducts an election for the next umpire. It is usual for each person to have a turn. Once the selection is complete, the umpire finishes his term by saying that ``Time is out'', and from that moment until the next umpire says ``Time is in'', no rules constrain players. An umpire is free to put time out in the middle of a game for good reason, such as to answer the door. He may restore it at his whim.

    Local Time Out

    Should a player who is not the umpire have a need to temporarily or permanently leave the game, a formal request should be made. The umpire then may grant a ``local time out'' for that player. That player only is not then constrained by the rules, and may leave. A similar request is made for re-entry of a player, or for the admission of a new player. The request is accepted by the granting of ``local time in''.

    Counting and Special rounds

    Each time round finishes (even if it never really got started because of a faulty serve) the round number increments. The first round is 1. The first innings is also 1, except that a ``zero'' innings may be played without penalties for the benefit of beginners.

    Round 13 is never played. A team drink is substituted.

    Round 20 is always preceded by a drink for the following umpire. (It would be bad form for an umpire to toast himself or for another player to propose a toast.)

    Sportspersonship

    The players are honour-bound to take reasonable drinks (or other penalty) as required by the umpire, and to comply with other requests as may be made, or such judgements as the umpire may make, bearing in mind that nobody is perfect. In the event that the umpire considers someone not to be acting reasonably, he may warn the player twice, and upon the third indiscretion require a scull of the player's glass, with an optional refill if less than half full.

    Playing Hints

    It is the profigliano which primarily allows the game strategies to be developed. Players may conduct a conversation (careful not to be so risque as to be gross or rude), passing the ball between them, locking others out of the conversation. The conversation should be designed to provoke or entrap others into faults.

    Some examples:
    A: (looks at B) Zoom
    B: (looks at C) Thank you for talking to me.
    A: (looks at C) C nearly answered that.. I saw her cheeks twitch.
    B: (looks at D) I know something else that makes her twitch!
    C: (looks at B) I beg your pardon! (This is a fault.)

    A: (looks at B) Zoom
    B: (looks at C) Thank you for talking to me.
    A: (looks at C) C nearly answered that.. I saw her cheeks twitch.
    B: (looks at C) I know something else that makes her twitch!
    A: (looks at D) Like saying zoom?
    D: (looks at E) Zoom...
    (This is a fault, but the sentence ``Like saying zoom?'' is not
    because the word zoom neither starts the sentence nor is alone.)

    A: (looks at B) Zoom
    B: (looks at C) Thank you for talking to me.
    A: (looks at C) C nearly answered that.. I saw her cheeks twitch.
    B: (looks at D) I know something else that makes her twitch!
    A: (looks at D) I think you are being rude.
    B: (looks at D) Not true. (This is a fault--not 3 words.)

    Better umpires try to balance a game by ``picking'' upon better players, which keeps the game together longer, and makes for more exciting play besides.

    A typical trick is to follow up a fast round or two with a set-up with, say, innings and round numbers reversed, and the service directed at the most sober player, in the hope that he will take the ball and the umpire can call the fault against that player at once.

    One trick (of dubious morality and requiring a very sharp umpire) is to create a fault so quickly as to catch a player taking a drink before he can swallow, and call a hesitation. If you can manage this you have probably earned the right to do it, especially to pick on a player to balance the game.