An old friend recently told me

since I've known you you've treated all your girlfriends badly.

The point is that this situation---having long-time friends take sides in a relationship breakup---is a kind of kangaroo court. People come to a conclusion about you, remove their support, attributing malice or negligence, mostly based on one person's view or report. Facts, arguments, opposing views, all the trappings of the British system for seeking truth, are ignored. As several people have said to me, including Kay, why must anyone take sides?

If you think relationships have only facts, not stories and viewpoints, you should see Anatomy of a Fall (that won best screenplay at the last Oscars). Two people can see the same things, hear the same words, and perceive quite different things.

Nevertheless, I figured I should investigate the accusation; after all, my friend might be right. I had a charming exchange with my first serious love, Carolyne, catching up around her birthday. I asked her for her recollection. Her description was more eloquent and compact a statement than I expected: She said I "lacked the emotional depth to understand when [my] critical, analytical manner appeared to be denigrating." She did not feel denigrated. I admit I was "analytical rather than supportive, and it was challenging" to people.

I was young and naive. Having read Neurotribes and having understood where it might fit into a functioning world, I see myself as having been as Carolyne described as much from a touch of neurotribalism than from youth. Carolyne attributed it to my youth. Perhaps it was both. Between Lessons in Chemistry and Burlesque I think I understand this part of me better.

It seems I need to be absolutely clear: I never took a lover while married to Kay except in the last five years, at times (I was under the impression that) we were separated.
Recent discussions of monogamy may have allowed certain persons to think otherwise. I think of monogamy as something that happens, not something you choose. In mathematical terms it is a dependent variable, not an independent one. Dan Savage would say "monogamish" to signal a desire for monogamy to be the case but to simultaneously accept that it is not in your control. It happens when circumstances are suitable. I am surprised at the number of my connections who hold monogamy as something essentially sacred. I have touched on this subject before.

An Ideal Husband is a grand story, with characters that are both profound and iconic, and a plot that meshes a lot of events. It is a solid, glamorous and exciting story that is perhaps Wilde's best. In that story I have recently come to identify with Everett's character, Lord Goring, not the titular husband. The reader is left to work out for themself the reason it fits this essay. You may need to watch the film more than once. It is both wonderfully entertaining and insightful of character.